Title: Being There
Author: Bj Jones
Rating: FRM
Summary: His death almost destroyed him
~*~
I don’t know why I went to the funeral. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment. I barely even knew the kid, but here I stood, off to the side, listening to fake sentiments and comfort. In the eyes of the priest, Wally was in hell. The Catholic Church thought suicide was an unforgivable sin. I laughed. A priest can forgive a man who killed, raped, terrorized, but they couldn’t forgive a young man who had no one to turn to.
I watched as the family walked away, moving on with their life. It’s not like they hadn’t already moved on. They abandoned him long ago.
I walked up to the new grave. “I’m sorry.” I choked back the tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t see…”
“Speed.”
I turned around and stared at my boss. “H? What are you going here?” I asked, shocked.
“I knew you would come to the funeral, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He slipped off his glasses and looked at me. “Are you?”
I nodded. “I’m fine,” I lied.
“Tim.” Horatio took a step towards me.
“I…” I stepped back not wanting his comfort or touch. I didn’t deserve it. I turned and walked away. I slipped onto my bike and looked back up at the hill. Horatio was still standing there, looking down at the grave.
I gunned the engine and took off out of the cemetery. Horatio didn’t understand. I should have seen Wally’s cry for help. I knew what it looked like. I had been there.
~*~
I downed the whiskey in my glass and glared at the door. If anything, Horatio was persistent. I poured another glass and set the bottle down; he won’t go away and if I’m not careful, he’ll just break down the door. He’s done it before.
He gave me that infamous look over his glasses, the one that can take everything in and know exactly what you’re thinking. I sighed and let him pass, closing the door behind him.
He looked at the bottle then back at me. “This isn’t going to help.”
The fuck it won’t, it will help me forget. I blinked at his frown, realizing I said that out loud. “This isn’t a good time, H…”
He pulled the glass out of my hand and set it down on the table, pushing me up against the wall, kissing me within an inch of my life. I didn’t deserve this, his love. I tried to push him away, only to have my hands snagged in a firm clasp. I looked into those sharp blue eyes. They were full of love and understanding. A sob escaped my throat as I fell against him.
“I should have seen it,” I cried.
“You didn’t give up on him, Speed.” Horatio held me close, a hand running through my hair.
I shook my head. “I should’ve done more. I understood…been there.”
Horatio pulled my hand up, turning it palm up and kissed the thin scar that ran along the inside of my wrist. “Wally isn’t your fault. He was too far lost by the time you got to him. You can’t blame yourself.”
He maneuvered us towards the couch, sitting down and pulling me into his arms. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I thank God every day for him. “I love you.”
He kissed the top of my head, his hands caressing down my back. I found myself drifting off to sleep content and warm. My heart will mourn Wally for a long time, but I know it will heal in time, just by Horatio being by my side.