Title: Life as a Michael Bay Film
Author: Bj Jones
Rating: FRM
Summary: “When did our lives end up a bad Comic book?”
***
They had all heard the rumors and rumblings coming from West Coast; large robots fighting each other and practically destroying cities. Images had even been released to the public showing the robots in battle, only to be later discredited by the government. It was just a movie being filmed, some Sci-fi thing about robots that can transform into every day objects.
In time the rumors died down, and everyone forgot about them.
Horatio stepped out of the Hummer and into the Miami sun, sunglasses in place as he surveyed the crime scene. He bit back a smirk as Speed walked up complaining about hot summers, mosquitoes and stupid criminals that like to dump bodies out in the middle of alligator infested swamp lands. The redhead glanced back to see the Canary yellow Ducati parked behind the Hummer.
Not exactly a standard issue police vehicle.
“Speed?” Caine called out to his CSI, a little surprised to see it there.
“I was on my way into work, when the call came in.” Speed answered. “I figured it would be easier to just come here than drive another twenty minutes to the Lab, pick up another Hummer, and then drive the hour to get out to the Glades.”
Horatio nodded, “Do I want to know where you stashed your kit?”
“It’s at work,” Speed smirked as he opened the back of the Hummer. “I’m snagging yours, Lieutenant.”
“We can’t process the body or around it, until Alexx gets out here.” Horatio looked out towards the body. “Check the perimeter, while I call in to find out what’s keeping Alexx and back-up.”
“I’m surprised there aren’t any officers on scene,” Tim commented as he pulled out his camera.
“There should be,” Caine looked down the road, frowning. “Speed..?”
He turned to his Lieutenant. “Yeah?”
“Be careful, something isn’t right.” Horatio looked around the quiet and empty Glades.
Speed gave him a small salute before turning to walk out to the crime scene and start taking photos. He frowned at the markings he was finding around the body as he set his ruler down and snapped a few shots. “H…these markings are deep and not manmade.”
Horatio walked up to the scene and slipped off his glasses. “Looks more like heavy machinery.”
Both looked up and down the road, “I don’t see any tracks indicating heavy machinery leading to the scene, just normal tire treads.” Speed walked down the road following the impressions. “This doesn’t make sense. The treads lead to the scene and just end.”
“Actually, they reappear on the other side of the scene,” Horatio replied, having carefully picked a clear path around the site.
“So, what? We have a hopping vehicle?” Speed frowned.
Caine looked up at the sound of an engine. “Well it’s about time we got back up.” He watched as the cop car raced down the dirt road toward them but it wasn’t slowing down. “SPEED!” His young CSI was in the vehicle’s direct path.
Speed looked up, turning to look at the approaching cop car. It took him a few seconds to realize it wasn’t slowing down. Just as he moved to get out of the way something moved between him and the approaching vehicle. He looked up and found himself staring at a mechanical robot that stood about fifteen feet high. He stumbled back in shock, and found himself being grabbed by Horatio and pulled out of the way.
They watched in horror and awe as the police cruiser transformed into another robot, a hideously menacing looking thing that slammed straight into the smaller one. Speed looked back to where they’d left their own vehicles noticing his Ducati was missing, and before his eyes the Hummer suddenly groaned and shifted shape charging into the battle with a roar. He looked over at Horatio who just stared at the scene in front of them, his jaw slightly open.
“H?” Speed asked.
“I have no idea.” Horatio answered still stunned by it, his ears ringing with the terrible sound of crashing metal.
“But my Ducati and your Hummer….” He looked over to see the police cruiser transform back into something recognizable as a vehicle, and take off down the road.
The two other machines turned and looked down at them.
“We had no intention of startling you.” Horatio just looked up at the taller robot, reaching to about twenty feet or so above him. He blinked and shook his head. He was not having a conversation with his Hummer.
“I’m Canary.” The smaller one bent down, something akin to mischief in its glowing blue eyes. “This is Crimebuster.”
***
Speed stared out the window of Horatio’s beach house at the two vehicles outside. He looked back at Horatio and then back outside, they were still sitting there acting all innocent like.
“I don’t think they are going to disappear,” Horatio said soberly, handed him a beer.
Speed gave him a look that spoke volumes. “Hello…were you there? They transformed into robots! Of course they can just disappear.”
“You’re rambling,” the redhead smirked not quite used to a flabbergasted Timothy Speedle.
“Bike, turned into a robot and attacked approaching evil robot….” He took a swig of his beer. “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”
“You heard what they said.” Horatio sat down glancing towards the Hummer and Ducati.
“That they are Autobots from a distant planet called Cybertron that was destroyed in war by the evil Megatron.” Speed sat across from him. “Is it me or does that not sound like a Michael Bay film?”
Horatio chuckled, “Well it doesn’t really matter, they seemed to have attached themselves to us.”
“Yeah, well….” Speed glanced back out the window and jumped when he saw Canary waving at him. “My bike’s name is Canary and look at him… He’s hyper! It’s like having a puppy.”
Horatio couldn’t help it; he let out the laugh that he had been trying to suppress all day.
Speed glared at him and huffed. “I might want to point out Crimebuster wants to be a CSI.”
That sobered him right up.
“So what do you think we should do?” Horatio watched the two robots interplay. It seemed Canary was trying some new dance moves.
“Well we can’t just tell everyone that our vehicles are really giant robots from outer space.” Tim pointed out. “I guess we just act like everything is normal.”
Horatio eyed the two robots. “Yeah, everything is just normal here.”
***
It was a few weeks later when Horatio found himself out in the Glades for a second crime scene. He knelt down next to the body, talking to Alexx as Speed took photos around the scene. “What do we have, Alexx?”
“Strangulation,” she replied, gently touching the bruises on the girl’s neck. “And it looks like her clothes were put back on, so I’ll run a rape kit. Poor baby. Too young to be out here all alone.”
He nodded and stood up. “Speed..?” Horatio frowned as Speed just looked straight ahead at something in front of him. “Tim?”
Speed held up his hand, stopping the redhead’s approach. “Remember our friends..?”
Caine stopped and glanced at the Hummer. “Yes.”
“We have a little one here, and I don’t think he likes me.” Speed said as he stepped back slowly.
He heard the sharp grinding of metal, before he saw the shadow fall over him. Horatio looked up to see Crimebuster standing over them both. “Don’t you mess up my crime scene!”
Alexx looked up at the robot and blinked a few times. “Horatio?”
“In a moment, Alexx.” He said as he watched the robot move towards Speed.
“It’s a Decepticon.” Crimebuster drew his hands together and his forearms morphed into a gun. “Step away from the human.”
The smaller thing made a few clicking noises and glared back at Speed with an evil hiss. “Don’t give me that nasty look, you piece of tin….” He ducked as a small knife was thrown at him. “…with lots of knives.”
“Get behind me,” Crimebuster ordered, stepping towards him. Tim didn’t hesitate he turned and ran under the robot to where Horatio stood.
“What happened?” Horatio demanded.
“My camera turned into one of those things, but this one was mean.” Speed sighed. “Now I need a new camera. And I have a feeling when I get home Canary is going to yell at me.”
“Does he yell at you often?” The redhead smirked.
“He’s overprotective, hyper, talkative, curious, hyper, and did I mention overprotective? Hell it’s like living with a hyper you…” He ran a hand over his face. “Did I mention the hyper part? Its weird waking up in the morning and seeing him look at me through my window. My loft is on the 2nd floor!”
“Excuse me.” Alexx smiled sweetly at the two men. “Someone should really explain to me why the Hummer is ripping apart some tiny robot and why I’m not getting set to call the Department Psychiatrist right now?”
Speed glanced back to see his camera being ripped to shreds. “Can I expense that?”
Horatio glared at him over his glasses, and then called out to Crimebuster. “Care to explain?”
“It was a Decepticon spy.” The robot frowned, or at least it seemed like it frowned. “It must be searching for all surviving Autobots. The fact that he disguised himself with Timothy, it would seem they know we are here.”
“And that means?” Speed frowned.
“We will have to be on guard for others, it is possible that they will attack the humans we have deemed fit to protect,” Crimebuster said simply, shifting away from the main crime scene. “Lieutenant Caine I detected a foreign substance on the young lady, I think it is what you call semen.”
Horatio sighed and hung his head. “Alexx meet Crimebuster. Crimebuster our ME…”
“Yes, Dr. Woods, it is good to finally talk with you. If you need help I can scan the bodies to see if there is something important to be checked on.” Crimebuster knelt down to talk to the ME.
She glanced at Horatio and Tim and then back to the robot. “Nice to meet you. Any help is always….”
Horatio coughed trying to get her attention. “Alexx.”
“What?” She asked. “The nice robot was offering to help us with our case. I think it’s very generous.”
“I’ll gladly offer my services.” Crimebuster said with pride.
“Crimebuster, this little incident doesn’t have to go past us right?” Speed asked.
“Canary has already been informed of the event,” the robot informed him sounding very prim and business-like.
“Damn.” He sighed. “By the way can you transform back into the Hummer? I need a new camera so I can finish up with the scene.”
Horatio was still amazed how little time it took for them to transfer and alter shape. One minute he was talking a robot the next his Hummer was sitting there, all innocent like nothing had happened. He looked over at Speed. “Let’s finish this up. Oh and Alexx..?”
“Like I’m going to tell the lab the Hummer turned into a robot.” She shook her head. “Though really shouldn’t be too surprising. I mean the Hummer always seemed to a part of the team.”
The vehicle cooed.
“Don’t encourage him.”
Speed blinked. “She’s mothering him, that’s what it is.”
***
Horatio tried not to snicker when he saw a disheveled Speed at his front door. “Problem?”
“I just got a two hour lecture from my Ducati,” he stated flatly, walking into the beach house. “Two hours of how I need to be more aware of my surroundings and instruments, because it would seem I’m some sort of threat…” He rambled as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a beer. “…to these Decepticons. And when the hell did the words Decepticons, Autobots and Transformers end up in my vocabulary? You can stop laughing; Crimebuster is being coddled by Alexx.”
“That is so not right,” Horatio shook his head as he looked out the window to see the two chatting like mother and son. “Why are you some sort of threat?”
Speed sipped his beer. “No idea. The rate things are going I’m probably an alien prince or some shit….” He downed the rest of the beer in a few gulps. “When did our lives end up a bad Comic book?”
“You know I did see Eric and Ryan wearing matching colors the other day,” Horatio snickered, leaning against the bar between the kitchen and living room. “Hand me one.”
“That’s because they’re screwing each other.” Tim handed him the beer and grabbed a second one. “Or so the rumor goes, but then according to the same rumor mill, Calleigh is also doing Eric, and Natalia is involved somehow…”
Horatio just eyed him, eyebrows raised. “Listen to the rumor mills much?”
“I have no choice,” he shrugged. “I sit in the break room reading and everyone just tells me what’s going on. I’m not sure if they think I’m a statue or a priest.”
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned,” Horatio smirked at him.
Speed rolled his eyes. “Anyway, Canary has decided that I can’t stay at my place, because supposedly he scanned it and I have two Decepticons hiding in it. It’s probably my cable box, I always knew the Cable Company was evil. And don’t even get me started on cell phones.”
“So you’re here…”
“Because I need sleep and I’m not staying at a hotel. Have you seen what’s in those sheets?” Speed grimaced.
“You’re always welcome here, Tim.” Horatio set the beer down and went to fix the guest room. “Is Alexx coming in or still chatting?”
Tim looked out the window. “Chatting. Looks like they’re exchanging numbers… It’ll be recipes next. ”
***
Horatio sat at his desk, doggedly refusing to acknowledge the robot looking into the windows. He kept his focus on the paperwork in front of him as if there wasn’t giant robot that normally lived its life as a Hummer, tapping on the glass. He was just going to keep signing his name…
Until finally he turned in his chair and glared at Crimebuster.
He got up and opened the window. “This is a bit obvious.”
“No one can see me, I’ve made sure that no one is in the vicinity,” Crimebuster replied. “I’ve scanned the premises and sense Decepticons.”
“Okay what the hell!” Horatio uncharacteristically yelled. “Does Speed have Decepticon radar or something?”
“I do not detect any signals coming from him,” the Hummer answered.
“Can you tell me where these things are located..?” The scream from the Lab answered that. “I’ll be right back.”
***
Speed backed up away from the machine. “You have got to be kidding me.” The Gas Chromatograph transformed in front of him and began to advance. “What the hell do you tin boxes from hell want from me?”
“Evidence from Case #2234.”
He blinked a few times at the strange voice. “You’ve been following me around because of Evidence from a case?”
“Evidence from Case #2234. Give it to us now.”
“Talkative piece of lab equipment, aren’t you.” Speed backed up towards the door. “Why don’t I go get Horatio and you two can discuss….”
The Machine jumped at him and knocked him through the glass window. “Evidence from Case #2234!”
“Speed, is the Gas Chromatograph attacking you?” Eric asked a bit shocked at the situation.
“YES YOU MORON! SHOOT IT!” He pushed against it trying to get it off him as it clawed it his arms and face.
“It’s a $50,000 machine!” Eric pointed out.
Speed just stared at him. “I’m so going to have to hurt you later. Or better yet let Canary do it.”
“EVIDENCE FROM CASE #2234!!”
A gun blast went off causing the machine to leap back and scurry away, but the second blast finished it off. Speed looked up to see Calleigh holding a shotgun. “Annoying buggers aren’t they.”
“You’ve met them?” Speed asked getting up off the ground and trying to figure out what part of his shirt and pants wasn’t ripped to shreds.
“My cell phone demanded evidence from the same case. I smushed it with my car.” She smirked at him. “We might want to consider finding out what the hell is in that case.”
“Speed?” Horatio ran down from his office. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Bruised but okay.” He dusted off his lab coat. His shirt was ruined and his pants were flapping limply. “I’m not writing out that expense.”
There were days it really didn’t pay to get out of bed.
***
Horatio looked over the evidence and then blinked up at his team then back down at the evidence. “So they’ve made our lives a nuisance because some kids robbed a Radio Shack and accidentally took their unit commander when he stole a palm pilot?”
Speed nodded. “Sounds about right.”
“Where is this palm pilot now?” he asked.
Eric smirked. “Tormenting some sixteen year old.”
“And what are we doing about it?” Horatio asked curiously.
“I’ve informed Frank’s computer where the kid is at, and they are going now to retrieve their palm pilot.” Calleigh added. “Crimebuster is making sure they don’t harm the kid.”
Horatio just closed the case file. “Then that’s solved.”
Calleigh and Eric got up and headed out of the office, but Speed still sat there grinning. “Crimebuster is taking the CSI tests.”
“He can’t! He’s a HUMMER.” Horatio pointed out.
“Come on H, he’s a good car.” Tim chortled. “By the way, don’t stay too late. I’m making dinner.”
Horatio’s eyebrow rose in curiosity. “Canary not letting you home still, even after the case is solved?”
“Nah, I like your place. Though I was thinking of renegotiating the sleeping arrangements.” He stood up and leaned over Horatio’s desk. “So how comfortable IS your bed?”
“Very.” He grinned back. “Care to try it out?”
“I’ll make sure the children park down the street. Don’t want to traumatize them do we?” Speed gave him a saucy wink as he headed out of the office.
Horatio was achingly hard in his pants; he glanced at his watch, only a few hours. He groaned when he saw a familiar shadow fall onto his desk. He turned and opened the window. “Crimebuster.”
“I sensed your heart rate go up, is everything alright?” he asked.
“Everything’s fine.”
“That’s good sir,” Crimebuster paused. “Canary suggests you get plenty of lubricant. Something that big going into a small place will need lots of help. You have a substance here commonly referred to as WD-40 which I can highly recommend.”
He left a gaping Horatio Caine at the window.
The Lieutenant shook his head and turned back to his desk. ‘I wonder how big?’
He grinned and left the office. There were a few stops to make before Speed got home, and the hardware store wasn’t one of them.