Charles Deacon Aesthetic
He wasn’t quite sure what to do.
In all of his years, he knew exactly what he wanted, how to go about it, and followed through.
Throughout his childhood, he felt others pain and would reach out to help anyway he could. He studied Psychology and Sociology in college, and after That Night, he entered the Seminary, feeling it was his calling to truly help others.
Then he met Erik.
Erik who challenged him, made him think outside his sphere of privilege. Erik who argued and pushed, who demanded Charles fight his cause not give platitudes. Erik who made him see the world outside the Cathedral.
He learned a lot about himself, in the years they’ve been friends. For once he felt as if he was truly living and helping. He became involved in the Los Angeles community – helped those on Spring Street, visited the families in the projects just not at Christmas, and started working with Boyz in the Hood.
As he got closer to his graduation, to being ordained – Charles had noticed Erik was quieter, became more distant. He learned early in their relationship, that it was better to confront him, then let it fester.
‘What is wrong?’ Charles demanded as they walked back to the Cathedral from a late lunch in Grant Park.
‘Nothing.’
Not taking the abrupt answer, he stepped in front of him, stopping his forward momentum. ‘Erik, I can tell you’re upset, and I’m pretty sure I’m the cause of it.’
‘I’m fine Charles, let’s just get you back and I’ll see you next week.’ He gave him a half smile, and pushed past him, only to have his arm grabbed. ‘Charles, please just don’t.’
‘Tell me, what I’ve done to upset you, my friend.’
He turned shrugging off his hand, and looked at him. ‘It’s not you Charles, it’s the Church.’
‘I don’t understand,’ he frowned.
‘In six months I’m going to lose you.’ Erik ran a hand through his hair, looking a bit lost. ‘I should just walk away, but I can’t.’
Charles reached out and took his arm again. ‘My friend, you aren’t going to lose me. I’m likely to be assigned to the Cathedral, if not I’ve asked to stay in the area especially considering my commitments.’
‘No, Charles. I’m going to lose you to the Church. Fuck. I should’ve walked away a while ago. This was never going to end in my favor.’ He stepped back, turning away. ‘As much as this is clichique in all the wrong ways – it’s not you it’s me. I’m sorry, but I have to leave or I’m going to do something that I can’t take back.’
‘Erik … ‘ He once again moved in front of him, not willing to let him just leave. ‘I don’t understand. I thought our friendship meant something, how can you walk away.’
‘Cause I want more!’ He snapped. ‘I’m not Catholic, but I understand the vows you’ll take. Your life will be His, and I’m not getting in the way, but I can’t watch either.’
‘I’m not being cloistered…’
Erik suddenly reached out and took his mouth into a heated kiss. The kiss was on the edge of desperation, passion, and the one thing under all of it was a devotion that Charles had never felt from anyone.
It was over before he could even wrap his mind around it, and Erik was gone.
It wasn’t as if he had been kissed before, he wasn’t even a virgin, but there was something inside of him that snapped into place, something he was sure wasn’t there the five seconds before.
He stumbled back to the Cathedral, and found himself kneeling in front the Crucifix. He just sat there and stared, wasn’t even sure what to pray.
“Charles.”
He startled, then tried to stand only to stumble not realizing how numb his legs were. “Cardinal.”
“Come sit down.” He helped the young soon to be priest into one of the seats next to the cross. “Tell me why you’ve been here for four hours. Matthew was quite worried.”
Charles looked over to see the Head of Security standing near the side steps, watching intently. He was a good man, very devoted and loyal to the Cardinal. He teased him about being the LA version of the famed Inspector back in Italy.
“I was just thinking.”
“You seem like a man lost.” Malone gave him an encouraging smile. “Tell me. It will go no further than the cross.”
Before he could question himself, he told him everything. And as he talked, he realized his feelings for Erik, were deeper than he even realized. That the very thought of not seeing him again, hurt.
“Are you gay?” He asked without condemnation in his tone.
“It never really mattered. I mean I had girlfriends in high school, and some hookups in college, but I felt as if I was meant for something else, and after That Night …”
“Ever thought it wasn’t God you were meant for?”
Charles looked at him in shock. “I’ve always felt the need to help …”
“You can help without the collar, your friend Erik does, and he’s not even Catholic.”
He had met the young man a few times, and had wondered about the two men’s relationship. He might be old, but over the years he stopped seeing the wrongness between same-sex couples and looked at the love. Pope Pius XVII has been advocating about God’s Love in all relationships. Unfortunately, not all his fellow US Bishops agree.
“Whatever you decide you need to talk to Erik. You can’t take vows to God, when you have this much doubt.” He stood, giving him a small smile. “Seek Him, and follow your heart. God will not steer you wrong.”
“And if it is with Erik? Will the Church still accept me?” Charles asked, tears in his eyes.
“Son. God will always love you. Man will always make mistakes.” He gave him a true smile. “Now go on … ”
Charles stood, took his hand. “Thank You for your honesty.” Then in a flash, he was out of the sanctuary, and across the plaza. He pulled out his phone, texting Erik that they needed to talk. Of course the bastard was ignoring him, so he was going to be sneaky and texted his mother, well his adopted one. A few quick exchanges, he knew exactly where Erik was located.
He knew those next few hours were going to change his life, what he hadn’t know was how much.