Title: Eternal
Author: Gil Grissom
Character: Brian O’Conner
Pairing: Dom/Brian (background)
Rating: G
Summary: Brian contemplates what eternity means as a newly Turned Vampire.
Brian was never a boy scout. Not in the literal sense, and certainly not in any metaphorical way. That wasn’t to say he couldn’t or wouldn’t follow the rules. Hell, he’d follow them to the letter if they made sense, if it didn’t cause damage in their wake. But he hated being expected to follow along blindly, to toe a line at the expense of others. To look the other way or stand back and do nothing while innocent people got hurt. There were all kinds of shades between black and white and the majority of the population lived within those shades.
Knowing this about himself, maybe that should have been the first clue that perhaps a career in law enforcement wasn’t really for him, because often the things they had to just let go of due to various reasons baffled and infuriated him. The law was very black and white on its own. Either you broke a law, or you didn’t. That wasn’t the part that he hated, though. It was the darker shades of corruption, the people that interpreted it and allowed evil to walk free and carry on with going out there and doing it again and again that made him want to hit something.
So no, dealing with law enforcement probably wasn’t the best idea for him. But the security gig with Border? That he could get behind. While the rules by which they lived were pretty straightforward and basically boiled down to ‘don’t be a corrupt and malignant bag of dicks’, there was far more room for extenuating circumstances and nuance, but at the same time, his ass couldn’t be paid off to look the other way as someone did something terrible. He didn’t have to stand back and watch powerful assholes with more money than morals buy or strong-arm their way out of whatever reprehensible thing they’d done.
He probably shouldn’t be as jaded as he was by his mid-twenties, but it was what it was.
When Nathan Bridger had come to him about taking over as Head of Security because he’d had other avenues he wanted to pursue, Brian had jumped at the offer. Sitting around and doing nothing was never something he enjoyed. He preferred being productive and contributing, making things better for those around him, so he’d dived in wholeheartedly.
It was a good thing he was so driven, because in spite of giving him the time he needed, it was a lot. It wasn’t just the security position he had to learn. He needed to know everything. What Vampires were capable of, how their society worked, how Clans operated, known enemies and their usual targets, and thousands of other things.
That need to know so he could do his job led him to this moment, where he was looking over the make-up of the different Clans and their members, and each Vampire’s general information.
“You look like you’re a little freaked out, kid.”
Brian looked up from his binder as Bridger walked into the room and sat across from him. “Conceptually I knew that Vampires are long-lived. That while there are means to do us in, we’re basically immortal. And I understood that the Vampires in this Clan, timewise and otherwise, have been around the block more than a few times.”
“But?”
“But there are Vampires in some of these Clans that are thousands of years old. Hell, there are some that were born thousands of years before Christ was even a concept for Christians. I don’t…even know how to wrap my head around that. How do you wrap your head around the idea that you might be around to see the year 4000 AD? I can’t get myself to accept that unless something goes wrong, I’ll live to see 2100!”
Nathan laughed. “I was born in 1620, Brian. Believe me, I understand exactly what you’re going through. Back then, I was an outlier for longevity as a human. Most of us just didn’t live that long because of a variety of reasons. But there was no way that I could have ever conceived of being here to see the 21st century come into being. And yet, here we are.”
“How did you deal with that? I know you’re not anywhere near as old as some of these people are, but you’re one of the oldest in this Clan. How do you handle knowing that you have basically eternity stretched out before you like it is?”
“Honestly? I don’t. It’s always there in the abstract, but I don’t wrap myself around the axle about things that might happen. I might see the year 2100. I might see the year 5000. But I might not see next Tuesday. No, we won’t grow old and die of old age or disease like the majority of humanity, but we’re nowhere near invulnerable. Yeah, there are some perks to being a Vampire, but death can come just as easily and swiftly to us as anyone else.
“I’ll admit, the concept of immortality, of being here for the long haul did occasionally keep me awake at night at first. But like anyone else, we have to live in the now, and now is not a bad place to be.” He snorted. “It’s at least a lot more entertaining and easier to get around and keep in touch with people than it was even fifty years ago. Humanity has come a long way in a very short period of time. All I can tell you is to enjoy it, because we never know what’s coming our way from one day to the next. Embrace the idea that you have the whole world and a great span of time before you, but don’t let it consume you. Accept it and live in the now. I can guarantee you that the immediate future is more than enough to deal with and to keep you occupied. Let the far future stay right where it is until you get there.”
Nathan smiled sadly at him. “I know it’s a daunting concept now, because you’re so new to it all, but it will never be more apparent than the first time you lose one of your contemporaries to old age. When you see someone you grew up with, were a child with, wither away and die. We all deal with it. It’s something Han has struggled with a lot in recent years, because older friends and relatives are now passing on, while he remains young and hale. It’s…not easy, but it’s the nature of our life.”
Brian thought of his parents and Rome, and his heart clenched a little, but he put it aside. “I get what you’re saying. But somehow I think it’s easier said than done when you put it into practice.”
Nathan laughed. “It really is, but when you immerse yourself into life and live it, it gets pushed to the side and to the back of your mind. You forget about it and move on to more important things, and time marches on. You simply…live your life, and occasionally the angst surrounding our eternal life comes back to slap you in the face like a dead fish and you flail and fret over it for a bit before it gets pushed away again in deference to living that life.”
He shrugged. “And next thing you know, you’re ringing in the year 2000 and a whole new century and the next millennium is spread out before you trailing off into the distance in a billion possible directions. You can’t control it. The only thing you can control is your own actions, and then you hope for the best. It’s daunting, terrifying, sometimes lonely, occasionally agonizing, never truly easy, but if you’re adaptable and accept the world for what it is and how it flows around you, it’s extremely rewarding and you can find great joy in it.”
“You make it sound not so bad,” Brian said, laughing a little.
“It’s not, not when you’ve lived as long as I have. Most of those here were Turned in the last couple hundred years. They’re still babies as far as Vampires go, so these are things they’re still learning to deal with as well.”
Brian bit his lip and nodded. “I guess that’s true. I mean, to me they’re old all things considered, but I mean… This dude, Methos, over in the Vampire Council, was Turned in 3666 BC. That is a long fucking time to just be chilling in the world! I ain’t got that many hobbies! I don’t think there are enough hobbies in the world.”
Bridger laughed. “No, I think you’d have to get really creative. But think of all the time you’d have to really hone your skills.”
Brian made a face at that. “I don’t even want to think about it. The concept of 2100 is more than enough for me to angst over, thank you.”
“Also remember that you’re fortunate to have your Mate with you. He’ll always be there with you for as long as you’re alive. No matter where life takes you and what you do, you’ll have him there by your side. Judging you for your choices, no doubt, but he’ll be there.”
Brian laughed and put his binder aside. “I think I need a break and to clear my head. The reality of my situation has smacked me in the face enough for one day. I don’t need my brain to start leaking out of my ears, too.” He stood up and stretched. “I think I’ll go find that Mate of mine and bother him. Maybe take the opportunity to traumatize Vince if it makes itself available.”
“Always a fun time,” Bridger said, shooing him out the door. “Take a day off tomorrow. You’ve been working hard. Fuck your Mate. Start looking for a hobby.”
Brian grinned at him and headed out, determined to find Dom and live in the moment. Eternity could wait.
A very valid issue that Brian is dealing with there. Humans aren’t built for eternity and learning to live with it has to be a mind fuck.
Good job
I like this! Good read!