Sylum Advent 2021: December 2nd

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Title: Embrace

Author: Gil Grissom

Character: Bud Elder

Rating: G

Summary: Bud finally accepts the knowledge that he’s ace wholeheartedly.

Bud always knew he was different. 

Even from a young age, certain kinds of relationships between adults that he’d witnessed seemed odd to him. Other children he knew seemed baffled by adults as well, so he’d pushed it aside, thinking that he would probably understand better when he was older.

He grew older and it didn’t really change. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand it on an intellectual level. He understood the mechanics and he had an academic understanding of the physical and psychological drives to procreate, if not in those particular words. He understood desire in general.

But when it came to other people, he just didn’t feel it. He had no practical understanding of what it was like to want to kiss a girl or engage in sex with a woman. Or later, when he realized that religion and the narrow-minded assholes that believed a bunch of nonsense had been lying to him, what it was like to want to kiss or have sex with a man. 

He had no desire at all to do anything with anyone. 

For a long while, Bud thought that he just might be some kind of freak of nature, broken in a way that others just weren’t. Becoming a Vampire hadn’t helped with that sort of thing, but then again, at the time there was little understanding of sexuality beyond hetero- and homosexuality. 

Even more baffling for him was that he understood romantic attraction. He knew what it was like to have a crush on someone, to have his heart beat a little faster, his cheeks flush when talking to them, to want to spend time with them and hold their hand. It was the sex part of things that he didn’t want and he didn’t understand it at all.

For the longest time, he’d kept those feelings to himself, pretended he was just like all the other men around him, and even on occasion forced himself to engage in sexual activity. It always left him feeling hollow and shaky, so he didn’t do it often…only when it seemed like it would be more detrimental for his health if he didn’t. Men really were assholes a lot of the time. 

Once he’d become a Vampire, Bud had disengaged from the sexual part of things completely. He wasn’t vulnerable to a gang of assholes beating the shit out of him because they thought he was some kind of deviant because he had no interest in getting into a girl’s knickers. And if he got caught unawares by a gang of hooligans…well, he’d recover quickly and could always eat them, and not in a fun way for them. 

But it wasn’t until the very late twentieth century and into the twenty-first that sexuality beyond gay, straight, and bi was really looked at and intensely studied and understood. And accepted, for the most part. There were always assholes who had to prove just how tiny their dicks were via their personalities and beliefs. 

Bud had a lot to thank Lucas for. He’d always liked the kid, though he was aware that where most people lived walking right in the center of normal for a given value of such a thing, Lucas was always just to the left of it. Bud wasn’t sure if it was a product of being raised by Jack Sparrow after being found following a traumatic experience, or if it was whatever was done to him a few decades back. Bud didn’t know the details, never asked since it wasn’t his business, but something had changed him drastically from the cheerful if sheltered young man he’d always been to the sometimes haunted, mostly introverted Vampire he’d become. 

Whatever he’d been through, Bud had a feeling the kid was stronger than most, and he respected him a lot for it. He also knew the kid was some kind of genius, and his ability with technology was surpassed by only a few in the world. Thus, with some time and patience, he had dragged Bud’s dinosaur ass into the twenty-first century and got him navigating the Internet like a damn pro. 

Which was how he ended up where he was today, finally understanding himself in a way that he’d always thought was hopeless. 

He wasn’t damaged. 

He wasn’t broken. 

He wasn’t hopeless. 

He was asexual.

A bi-romantic asexual to be more precise about it. He didn’t think he was actually sex-repulsed, as back when he’d been in those situations, it was more the feeling of being forced to be one of the guys and engage than it was the sex itself. The sex was just…meh. It was there, it was a function of human biology, nothing to write home about. If he never engaged with another human that way, he wouldn’t be mad about it. 

But knowing…knowing this part of himself and what he did and didn’t want. Knowing that he wasn’t broken or damaged or wrong…it was such a relief that he’d broken down in tears and freaked out all of his housemates, including his brother, until they realized what was going on. They’d all been supportive and had made a point to educate themselves on his sexuality, which had been touching, to say the least. 

It was easier now, to engage with the others, to understand that he could enjoy the dynamics of those around him and the ridiculousness they got up to without feeling like he was missing out on something, that there was something so fundamentally wrong with him that he needed to keep his distance because he didn’t want to infect them with his oddities. He felt free in a way that he’d never felt before. 

Everything was lighter for him, and he was happier than he’d ever been. He’d even got John to come to a few sessions with Red so he could fully understand where Bud was coming from, without Bud having to twist his arm about it. That had meant more to him than he could say.

He knew he was lucky. He had a good relationship with his brother, his Clan was supportive and accepting and did everything they could to make sure he knew that he was wanted and understood, and loved. 

He had a good life, and embracing who he was, accepting that there was nothing wrong with him, led him to this moment, whirling Alma around the dance floor, both of them barely managing to stay upright because they were so busy laughing at Daniel and David and their ridiculous antics in the middle of the dance floor that they wouldn’t be able to breathe if it was something they had to do.

And that was the best thing ever.